I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
