I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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