i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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