This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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