I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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