You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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