Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
