so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
