I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
