dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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