you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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