I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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