I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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