It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
