do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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