how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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