Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
