I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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