someone owes me an orgasm
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
