I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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