we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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