oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
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