somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
