On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
