I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
