Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
