clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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