In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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