walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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