The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
