I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
