I'm going to jail i love you
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
