Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
