Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
