I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
