somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
