I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
