Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
