I should be sponsored by Trojan
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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