My liver just broke up with me...
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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