If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
