Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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