went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
