apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
how do flat chested girls get laid?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
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