i was born a porn star she said
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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