I accidentally had phone sex last night
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
When did angry sex become our thing?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
