I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
