I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
