So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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