I wish I could teleport
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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