I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
